A Dish Best Served Cold
by McAries
Summary: Daisy, after hearing of Peach's recent kidnapping, becomes angry and vows to murder Peach and become the Princess of Mushroom Kingdom.
1. Killer Queen

Author's Note: So, I began writing this as a spur of the moment thing a few months ago while looking up things about Mario characters. I'm up to about four or five chapters now, so they'll be posted soon. Read and review please.

Disclaimer: I don't own Mario nor any of his minions

I was strolling through the gardens in front of the castle. The gardens of Sarasaland have been proven to have some of the most unique and beautiful flowers of anywhere around, even Mushroom Kingdom. But then again, none of the other kingdoms took pride in their gardens. I stopped to sniff one of the fire flowers, careful not to set it off, and my second in command, Toad, came up to me.

"Princess Daisy!" he called loudly, hopping up and down so to catch my attention. I turned from the flower, and asked him, "What's the matter, Toad? Can't you see I'm busy? I have a baseball game in an hour, and this is the only part of the day that I can smell the flowers!"

Toad nodded but persisted in his pestering. "I apologize, Princess Daisy, but there's urgent new from Mushroom Kingdom."

"What's that frigid little bitch gone and done this time?" I moaned, sitting down on a stone bench in front of a hedge. Toad followed and stood in front of me. "What, did she set fire to another bank?"

"Please, Princess Daisy, watch your language…no, she appears to have been kidnapped again."

"Again?" I hissed.

"Yes, and she has requested that you take over her reign of Mushroom Kingdom for the time being until she is recovered. Mario and Luigi have said that they're going to go looking for her tomorrow, but they need you there in the castle by the time they leave. Normally, the Toads there would take over the job, but they're all afraid that more Koopas will break the barrier and try to steal things or take over the castle again, which is too much hassle for her."

"I refuse to organize my life around her problems. So she got kidnapped? Big deal. If the little whore wasn't playing such a big cocktease to Bowser half the time, this wouldn't be a problem."

"Princess Daisy!" Toad shouted, blushing furiously. "Watch your language! This is serious!"

"No. I think it's about time that Peach got what she deserves. I don't think that she deserves Mushroom Kingdom. After all, look at her; she's off banging Bowser every few weeks and taking those long vacations, causing Mario to have an ulcer or something. It's ridiculous. And I'm fucking bored; I'm tired of waiting around for another sports game or Mario Party. I want to have some fun. I think it's time we kill Peach."

"PRINCESS DAISY! You can't kill her! She's the head of the Mushroom Kingdom, the most important and prestigious kingdom in all the lands!"

"And where does Sarasaland rank on this?" I roared, standing up quickly and grabbing Toad by his collar, pulling him up to my face and shaking him. "Why should she get all the glory? What all has she done? Her fame was derived from her being "kidnapped" all these years and Mario saving her. It sickens me! I was kidnapped once too, but my fame never took off, now did it? I think I deserve my chance to shine, Toad! Mario Parties and sports can only get me so far, and I refuse to be her cart partner anymore. I need my fame, and I need Mushroom Kingdom!" I dropped him to the ground. "I have a plan."

"Princess Daisy, you can't do this! She's important to everyone! If you killed her, I predict that the whole world as we know it would shatter!"

"What, because she wasn't sleeping with the heads of every kingdom?" I asked, walking slowly across the emerald grass and up to the stone steps to the castle. "It'll make headlines for a few days, but then no one will care anymore. She hasn't even done anything, you know. She's a horrible leader." We headed down the main hallway of the castle, passing by the Toads and Toadettes who worked in each room. I nodded to a few of them.

"You're not exactly the best leader either, Princess Daisy!"

I spun around quickly and glared at him. "Me? Not a good leader? You are a complete idiot, Toad! I'm the best leader that Sarasaland has ever seen! My father may have been good, but I'm by far better, and I'm much better than Peach could ever hope of being. I may not have been up to par these past few weeks but that's simply because I'm bored and I have absolutely nothing to do around here! With another kingdom, I could easily become the best leader this world has ever seen."

"And if you don't? What if you crack under pressure?"

"Then, I won't crack under pressure then. Trust me, I'll be fine." We headed towards the kitchens where a few Toadettes were scurrying around, trying to finish up the lunch for the day. I sat down on a stool and spun myself around a few times before facing Toad again. "Let's make this plan then, shall we? Someone make me something to eat! I'm starving."

Toadettes rushed food to me, which I accepted gratefully and wolfed down. "I'll go to Mushroom Kingdom tonight, and I'll be there just in time for Mario and Luigi's departure in the morning. But, I'm not staying there. I'm going to go with them, and then I'll kill her."

A few Toadettes stopped in their place, stared at me for a moment, and then continued with their work. I munched on an apple that was on my plate for a moment before adding, "I'm going to need some help, however. Who could we possibly hire to help me with this?"

"No idea, Princess Daisy. I'm still against this idea, and I seriously think that you should rethink it, because if they found out…"

"If they find out, then they find out. Big deal. It's not like I have the best of friendships with her anyway, it should be something that they would expect by now. Now, let's see. I think if we can track one of the Birdos down that could help us a lot. Those boys are rough!"

"Boys? I thought they were…"

"They're transsexuals. A little scary; I'd rather not be around them myself, but they can sure sock an egg into someone's face. I've had my bad experiences, but Sarasaland signed a treaty when I was about three, and they've been nesting in the southern part for quite a while now. Who else could we hire? Yoshis?"

"Yoshi and his clan are currently in mating season. It'd be wise not to disturb them now, as I hear that they're rather violent."

"Then, we'll just have to get Peach's ex-boyfriend then, won't we?"

"Who would that be? Mario?"

"No!"

"Bowser?"

"No!"

"Luigi?"

"N – they're dating? Since when?"

"It's just a rumor."

"Well, no anyway. Fox McCloud. He's an expert, and she broke his heart a few weeks ago. Poor guy. He'll do anything to kick her ass nowadays, though. I've got contacts with Link from Hyrule and Samus, though she's probably on vacation now."

"Anyone else?" Toad was sitting on the stool next to mine, writing down the names on a clipboard. "I've got a lot of work to do to get these guys, so you might want to hurry."

"Wario? I doubt it, he's a fat, greasy old man, he'll jump for the first blonde bimbo he sees, and I'm sure he's already slept with her."

"I heard you get blinded."

"I'd rather not hear things about that, thank you. Anyway, I think that's all of the assassins we'll need for the moment unless you want to go into town and hire a few ex-Koopas although I hear that they think Toad is a delicacy…"

"I'd rather not, Princess Daisy."

I smiled softly. "I didn't think so. If all things go well…I could rule Mushroom Kingdom by the end of the week! And, once I did, you would be second in command!"

"I thought I already was."

"But of the Mushroom Kingdom, not just Sarasaland's kingdom. You'd also get power over everyone else in the castle, except me, of course."

"Okay! I'll get right on this then, Princess Daisy!"

"Great. Well, I need to leave. I have my baseball game soon."

The next morning was rather uneventful. I had packed the night before, but it was raining, so I had to put on my raincoat, which was exactly like my dress, and it looked like I was wearing my normal dress when I put it on. Toad packed my fancy umbrella, a gift from my mother before she was savaged by a pack of rabid Koopas. My father had died of heartache, or because the prostitute he was with took both of his kidneys. Pity. Anyway, I had ruled the kingdom since, and whenever it rained, Mother's umbrella went with me. We got into the long car, which I believed was compensating for something Toad lacked, and he began driving both us down to Mushroom Kingdom. The ride was bumpy, and I heard the scream of a few Goombas as he ran over them.

A few hours later, Peach's castle came into view, although it was hard to see through the foggy glass. I became excited as I saw the Mario Brothers plumbing truck out front. As far as I knew, they had never actually plumbed a pipe but liked to put on the façade that they were. I found it hilarious, but not many people knew about this. Toad opened my door for me, and helped me with my umbrella. I headed towards the bridge in front of her castle and entered.

"Good morning!" I called. "Hi, I'm Daisy!"

I saw Luigi hurry down the staircase towards me. We hugged for a moment, and he said, "My, Daisy, you look even more beautiful than the last time I saw you."

"Flattery will only get you to first base, dear Luigi. Where's Mario at?"

Luigi looked angry at the sound of Mario's name but motioned up the stairs. "He decided to take a nap in her bedroom before we left. He's probably digging through her underwear drawer right now, the little pervert."

I giggled for a moment and headed up the stairs and knocked on Peach's bedroom door. There was a crash and a lot of shuffling, but a few seconds later Mario was at the door. "Oh! Daisy, you're here. Nice to see you again!" he said, walking back to the first level. "I had to bring this whiney little bitch along because I need a little more help this time. Bowser has extra security or something."

Luigi looked even angrier, but who wouldn't? I walked back down with them.

"Well, make sure that you mind the castle, Daisy. We won't be gone for more than a few days."

"I'm not staying here."

They both turned around quickly, looking confused. "What do you mean, Daisy? You're supposed to stay here, in the castle, while we go look for Peach."

"I want to come along. I think it's about time that I get to be the hero." Or villain.

"It's much too dangerous," Luigi said quickly. "And besides, you don't have any training."

"I have my golf club and a hammer from one of our Mario Parties with me. I think I can protect myself. I'm a princess in a kingdom infested with Birdos, Luigi, I'm sure I'll be fine."

"No, it's not like that. Bowser has a thing for young princesses, and…"

"If he touches me, I'll cut his balls off."

There was an awkward silence.

"Well, you know, Daisy is the tough one. She was only kidnapped once, and that was a long time ago. And besides, if we let you go, Luigi, we should let her go."

"Hey! What's that supposed to mean?"

I smiled and hugged Mario tightly so he could get a full sniff. "Thank you so much, Mario. Let's go."

I would soon be Princess of Mushroom Kingdom.


	2. The Exploding Goombas of Doom

Author's Note: Thank you for both positive reviews, you guys. It's nice to have those in my inbox. So, now that I've got positive reviews, I shall bring you the second chapter of this epic saga! Enjoy!

Disclaimer: I don't own Mario, nor his many minions.

They wouldn't let me bring my car; they were convinced that it would draw attention to us. So, Toad thought he got to sit back in the castle while I went off and captured myself a kingdom. He thought wrong. I made Toad carry my trunk…on his back…in full bondage gear. The little guy was frightened for the first few minutes, but once I got the mask over his head, he shut up.

Mario and Luigi were a little shocked as well, although I'm not sure why. That tape that got around a few years ago wasn't me in my best light, but it sure drew attention! But it's not as if I'm the only princess who has a tape circulating around. Peach has an entire library, and one of Bowser's daughters happens to have one. That's probably the reason he's so pissed at Mario.

"Do you honestly need to bring a trunk?" Luigi asked, looking back at Toad. "And what's with the bondage?"

"He needs discipline."

"Please don't tell me you practice S & M on your servants," Mario piped in, looking concerned. I smiled sweetly, and he looked away quickly. Luigi looked nervous as well, and I could tell that they were already having second thoughts about this whole "let's let Daisy go with us so she can murder the princess and take over the kingdom!" thing.

I was already starting to sweat. This was ridiculous. I summoned Toad to give me my parasol, which proved to be a difficult task for the little whiner. I was even forced to get it myself! After a few chosen words to both Toad and the sun, I managed to get the parasol out of the trunk and over my head. The sun looked hurt and shouted a few back at me. I retaliated. Mario and Luigi tried to break it up between us, but I refused to let it have the last laugh. Finally, they pulled me away, and I flipped it off.

We were walking for a good hour before we saw anything interesting. I've never liked the outdoors much, except for the flowers. I don't take care of them, of course, but they're fun to look at and walk through. Ahead of us, we saw a field full of Goombas, and Mario looked worried.

"What's the problem?" I asked, wiping my forehead with my handkerchief that I had gotten at Chippendales the year before. "They're just Goombas. Jump on them or punch them, and let's get on our way."

"These aren't regular Goombas, Daisy!" Mario said, hiding behind a tree ahead of us. "They're fake. Last year, a team of Bob-ombs came out here and took over the entire field. It was a bloody battle, don't you remember? It took weeks for them to clean up the skin. The Bob-ombs one, and I think they're in disguise. Why would Goombas come back to a spot where they were all killed?"

"Who cares? What's the worst that can happen with a bunch of walking bombs?"

"Think about what you just said."

I paused. "Yes, well…they're still no actual hassle, are they? Just pick them up and throw them. Take out a ton at one time, I'll even film it!"

"I don't know, I have a bad feeling."

"Then send Luigi out there to test it!" I shouted. Luigi looked around quickly before shouting, "Hey!"

"Okay then. Luigi, get your ass out there." Mario pushed Luigi in front of the Goombas, who immediately attacked him. I had never seen them so violent. They were actually chewing on his face, and large welts were popping up all over him.

"This is tragic," I said, sitting down on a stump and filing my nails. "Are you going to go help him?"

"Oh, yes, I probably should do that."

"Probably. Is that an eyeball?" I asked, seeing one shoot out from Luigi's body. Mario ran out to help Luigi, and half of the Goombas attacked him. I paused, seeing both of the people who would get me through this thing being mauled to death. What a dilemma, I must tell you! I didn't know what to do. I mean, my nails had gotten pretty out of shape these last few days, and I had just found the time to file them. But on the other hand, I'd known Mario and Luigi all of my lives. Finally, I got up and ordered Toad to get my grenade launcher. He retrieved it, and I walked out in front of both groups. Toad turned my stereo up full blast, and they came for me all at once. I quickly pulled the trigger a few times, killing at least ten, who exploded. They were Bob-ombs. I swirled around to shoot another five that were coming for me to the left. Luigi was able to get up and kick one away from him, but a few of them were going back for Mario, knowing that I would kick their little brown asses. So, I shot a grenade out to where Mario was. He got the clue and ran away just as it exploded. There were at least twenty left, and I had two grenades left. This wasn't enough. I shot them at two other groups but missed both times. I rushed back to the trunk, and Toad handed me my hammer. As soon as I put both of my hands on it, I ran around, smashing everything in sight. I took out fifteen of them before it disappeared, and I grabbed one that had bitten my leg and threw it at the other four. It exploded them all, leaving a huge hole in the ground.

"You guys are helpless," I said, returning my grenade launcher to the trunk and grabbing my parasol again. "That was too easy. This sun is killing my skin." I heard the sun smirk, and we went at it again. Mario and Luigi dragged me away once again, and we kept walking to Bowser's castle. Luigi collected his eyeball, but he put it on lopsided and managed to get a piece of grass lodged in as well. He complained the entire time.

We had to rest for the night. Toad set up the castle that I had brought along, and I slept in it. Mario and Luigi were too lazy to bring a castle along, so they slept in their filthy tent. Toad came up to my room at midnight and said that Luigi had come to see me. I told him to let him come in but to wait in the lobby while I prepared. I headed towards the closet and pulled out my dominatrix suit, something I had bought while I was visiting the bad parts of Mushroom Kingdom. I got out the rest of my whips, chains, and handcuffs and made my way downstairs. I paused on the staircase for a moment, practicing my slut pose, and Luigi looked shocked.

"Hello, Luigi," I whispered in a "Take me now!" tone of voice. I blinked my eyes a few times, and I saw a very noticeable lump in his pants.

"D-Daisy. Erm, it's…erm…nice to…erm…see you. I just wanted to drop in and…erm…say…erm…h-hello."

I rushed down the stairs and took his head in my hands. I nibbled softly on his ear and whispered, "We both know that's not what you're here for, Luigi. Not getting any at home?"

"Not getting any period," he remarked, looking down. "I don't get many groupies at all."

"We'll have to fix that, now won't we?"

"I – Daisy, I can't do this…it would be wrong."

"Ten thousand coins, and I'm all yours for tonight."

Luigi's eyes widened, and he stared at me for a moment. "Really?"

"I'll do anything you want. You name it; I'll make it happen. Just give me the money."

Luigi nodded. "I…uh…I saved up a ton from selling that old house. Here!" he handed me a sack of coins. I took it from him, peered inside, and smiled. "What would you like to do first, Luigi?"

The next morning, Luigi left the castle early so that Mario wouldn't spot him, and I got dressed. We were supposed to at least make it to Bowser's Castle by the afternoon, and we would take him out, rescue the slut, and then kill her. I was excited because the kingdom was almost mine, and the bitch would be dead. When I went outside, I noticed that Luigi was making breakfast. He smiled at me for a moment, and I nodded, sitting down on the throne Toad had dragged outside for me. I sat down, took a sip of absinthe, and said, "When are we getting back on the road again? I wouldn't want Peach in there too long!"

"As soon as Mario's awake. He doesn't eat in the mornings and he's doing Jenny Craig anyway."

"He does need to lose some weight."

Luigi nodded and beamed at me. "Last night was amazing."

"I suppose," I replied, sipping my absinthe once again. The truth was, the night had been utterly dull. Luigi had absolutely no knowledge of sex at all. In fact, I was almost certain that it was his first time! Halfway through, he started sobbing, and we had to talk about him the rest of the night. But at least I was ten thousand coins richer.

Mario came out of his tent, and did a triple jump before landing next to me. "Good morning, Daisy," he said cheerfully, staring out at the horizon. "We're going to rescue her today! And by the end of the night, Peach and me can…"

"Oh, God, Mario. I don't want to hear about it," I said, having the sudden urge to cut my ears off. "Can we just go?"

They both nodded. Luigi packed up the rest of their stuff, and Toad packed up my castle. We started running, and we finally captured a herd of Yoshis. They were pissed at us because we stopped their breeding, but I could care less. My shoes were brand new, and I would be damned before I would let them be destroyed. We rode out on the Yoshis until we neared Bowser's castle. This place was literally like hell. Who makes an entire castle out of steel anyway? He had a lava moat surrounding and a Mario Kart track all around the outside. Koopas were just walking or flying around there, probably looking for us, but the Yoshis managed to eat them all. We had no trouble getting into the castle. Peach, here I come


	3. Into the Castle

**Author's Note**: Well, I actually began to feel pretty guilty about not updating this for about two years. Basically, I've been meaning to get around to it, but the computer that this story is on does not have internet access. Therefore, getting it here required that I stop being lazy and actually transfer it on a memory stick. After several months, I finally did just that!

Anyway, this and the next chapter and a…half, I believe, were written in 2006 when I first began this story. I never finished, though I might just do that. Until then, I'll try to upload the next few chapters for those of you who are still interested.

**Disclaimer**: No, I do not own Mario, Daisy, Peach, or any weapons of bondage. And no, I am not getting any payment from this story whatsoever. I'm just a poor, sixteen-year-old boy with too much time on my hands, I guess.

Getting into the castle was easy, but trying to avoid being murdered while inside was the difficult part. Nobody told me that he had Whomps attempting to kill us in every corner. So, to avoid them, we didn't go in the corners, which I'm not sure why we did in the first place.

Mario obviously knew his way around as he expertly guided us through the corridors, which were very maze-like. I suppose he had been in here multiple times while trying to rescue Peach after she banged Bowser a few times. To keep myself occupied, the thoughts of how I would murder Peach filled my brain, and I had a perpetual smile the whole way up to Bowser's bedroom door. Mario kicked open the door and ran inside; Luigi and I followed.

"Peach!" Mario shouted, rushing over to the little bimbo who was in a cage hanging from the ceiling. Peach smiled down at him, and then said, "Oh! Save me, Mario! Yadayadayada, Bowser's going to torture me and make me his wife, and…you know the drill by now, right, sweetie?"

Mario nodded, and Peach smiled again.

"Then get your ass over there and kill him please. I don't know why you don't kill him every other time, I mean, it'd make things a lot easier or…something. He doesn't even have much many anymore anyway!"

I gave Peach a death glare but followed Luigi and Mario into Bowser's chambers. He was sleeping in his mammoth bed with candles lit all around the room and Frank Sinatra playing in the background. I think all of us but Mario knew what had been going on. Next to me, a condom was lying on the floor, and I shrieked and jumped onto Mario's back.

"Oh, Daisy!"

"Shut up, Mario!" I growled, climbing off of his back. "Look at the size of that condom, my God!"

"Bowser! Wake up!"

Bowser opened one eyelid. "Oh. 'Sup, Mario?"

"You and I have unfinished business!"

"We always have unfinished business, dumbass."

"Yeah!? Well…you had sex with my girlfriend, didn't you!? Answer me!"

Bowser smirked and leaned back. Suddenly, two Toadettes appeared underneath his arms, and he smiled larger than before. "It's hard out here for a pimp."

"Bitch, you're so dead."

Mario charged right for Bowser, who thrust one of the Toadettes at Mario, who screamed as she hit Mario in the face. He was thrown into the wall behind us and collapsed to the ground for a moment. Luigi went after him next where Bowser pinched him on the arm, and he ran for the corner and began sobbing.

"What about you, bitch? You want a piece of Bowser?"

"Actually, no. I have business to attend to with Peach."

I left the room slowly and lowered Peach's cage to the ground and bent the bars enough to let her get out. Peach slowly climbed out of the cage and smiled at me.

"Why, thank you, Daisy!"

I slapped her across the face and tackled her to the floor. Peach looked shocked, and we were rolling around the floor for a moment until I saw Bowser in the doorway with a very noticeable bulge.

"It's not supposed to be erotic, asshole!" I shrieked, strangling Peach. "I'm killing her!"

"It's still pretty hot."

Peach finally flipped me off of her and stood up quickly.

"You wanna go, bitch!?"

"Bring it on. I've been waiting all day for this!" I shouted, gaining my composure and ready to spring to attack her. Peach charged for me and grabbed my face and dug in with her disgusting fingernails. I started screaming and running around the room when blood began to fall out before I grabbed her hair and pulled so hard that a good chunk of it came out. Peach's eyes filled with fire and we continued fighting. She grabbed me and threw me into the wall, which shattered, and I was thrown out onto the staircase. Peach climbed through the hole in the wall, and I quickly ran and grabbed a sword that was hanging up near the staircase. Peach looked around and then pulled a piece of the railing off of the staircase. We both began to battle, and I finally kicked Peach into the wall and held the sword to her throat.

"You're going to die, and I'm going to have your kingdom, bitch," I muttered, pushing hard. Peach smirked and jabbed me in the stomach with her rail. I doubled over, and she slapped me across the face with it, knocking me down the steps. I stood up slowly and then ran back up the stairs, pushing her with full force, causing her to flip over and fall over the railing to the first floor. She coughed a few times, and I suddenly saw a mushroom floating across the screen. I suddenly screamed no and attempted to run down the stairs to grab it before she did, but Peach just smiled and grabbed it from the floor, suddenly growing huge. My eyes widened and I hurried across the corridor from the staircase trying to outrun her, but she grabbed me around the waist and brought me down to the first floor with her.

"Let me go!" I shouted. "This isn't even a fair fight!"

"You didn't want a fair fight anyway, Daisy!" she screamed, squeezing me. It felt like my stomach would just pop, and I would be a mess of intestines on the floor. I looked up slowly and saw a Whomp just above Peach's head.

"Head's up!" I shouted, and the Whomp came down on Peach's crown. She shrieked and stumbled back into the front door, which broke away, and she fell down onto the bridge connecting the castle to the grounds. Peach went back to her normal size, and I was sure that she was dead. I grabbed my sword and rushed out to meet her only to find Peach floating above my head. She came down on me with a few kicks, and I sliced her across the face. She screamed and fell down again only to hit me in the stomach a few times with her umbrella and float back down to the ground.

I grabbed Peach's left arm and spun her around a few times before tossing her, hopefully into the lava moat. Peach grabbed onto the railing, however, and pulled herself back up before punching me and throwing me back into the castle. We could see Mario, Luigi, and Bowser watching us from the second floor, and I threw Peach onto the stairs again, and I began to push her while she was at the wall. She tried to push me back, but I could hear the stone behind her begin to crumble, and I whispered, "It's mine."


End file.
